Experiences of life

That poison called work: Toxicity!

Manager walks by me and says : “Please take your headphones off. It looks weird. You can play your music on speaker”. I was left with questions. So I didn’t break any rule right? YOU just don’t like it. This has been the theme at this place of work for me past few months. Pettiness, lack of respect, lies, gossip.

There is a point you have to cut your losses and ask if any of it is worth it. I get anxiety attacks at least twice a week. I get into a crying frenzy almost daily. Weekends are filled with nightmares of “I have to go back there” and every morning before I boot up outlook I pray there’s no negativity in the emails.

I have received work corrections painted in red ink like I’m in high school, I have had a superior ask me to repeat what he said to make sure “I understood”. Mind you I am college educated, this is by no means my first job as I am in my 30s. I had been spoilt. Never been in a situation where work disturbed my soul. I now understand what people when they say my job makes me sick. That can literally be a reality. How do you perform well in an environment where the expectation is for you to fail?

I took the job as I was strategically trying to preserve my professional licenses and possibly gain additional skills. I took a pay cut. 5 months in I realize it wasn’t worth all the drama and personal health issues I now endure almost daily.

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Photo by omar alnahi on Pexels.com

I have given myself a month. To move on. Thankfully I have a part-time job which has the flexibility of becoming fulltime. Sometimes  you simply have to accept you made bad career move and move on. After all had you not given it a try you would have wondered what it would have been like right. I have a few interviews lined up which I am preparing thoroughly for and am hopeful that one will result in an offer.

 

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On My Mind Today

Thank you… Next

You go through life with trials and tribulations. Errors and successes. You decide which ones are worth fighting the most for and which ones have finite endings.

Be it a job, a relationship, an asset. Some of these things are meant to be forever. some are merely part of the many stops in the journey of life as you get to the final destination.

We are about 7 weeks into 2019. Which aspects of years past do you feel belong there today and which did you decide to bury?

 

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Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

 

 

Get Social - Be Entertained!!

Gone too soon, XXX- Tentacion: Reality of A young soul

He was only 20, rising up and an coming. Surrounded by endless controversy stemming from drugs, alleged abuse, childhood problems and so on. I too was sucked into the negatives surrounding his name until my 8 year old insisted I listen to his song “Sad”. I had been hearing the song and liked it. I just hadn’t associated it with that “scary looking” young face-tatted boy. I didn’t know much else about him other than what they had on Wikipedia at the time. I somehow saw and felt that this young man wasn’t and couldn’t be as bad as some media had portrayed him. I felt he was trying to change– for the better.

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On June 18, 2018- which coincidentally was my daughter’s birthday I am browsing through my FB posts and I start seeing the shaderoom posts about him being shot! I actually prayed they could save him as they indicated he was en route to ER. I saw the horrific video that was viral of him sitting lifeless in his vehicle I hoped this poor boy would live. But they later announced within hours he was gone. IDK why this one touched me. It was after that I started following EVERYTHING his life.

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above: with his mother during high school days

This fallen soul wasn’t a monster. He never rapped the conventional message. He was a young boy living in today’s very challenging world, seemingly dealing with his own personal battles. He had a mother and a father who clearly loved him. He had a sister and a younger brother. He had a life. Had just got a major label deal before his demise. It just is insane to me how many of us (myself included) got soo sucked into the judgementality of images in this day. You could see the hurt in is mother’s eyes in her posts on IG. The heartbreaking message his father posted. The constant expressions of struggling with pain his sister still posts. He had love all around him. But hate and evil got the best of him. I bet many don’t know about his efforts to alleviate poverty in his home county  in the Miami FL area.

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This boy seemingly had a while world of young kids who absolutely were inspired by him, who he gave hope to. All this many of us who judged him didn’t..

on your right: as a baby with his father Dwayne Onfroy

I simply wish his soul a peaceful rest whatever his struggles were. What I do know  is the world didn’t give him chance. He was murdered harshly seemingly a result of greed, hate and jelousy. At least for closure for his family the assailants have all been caught.  RIP young man.

 

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On My Mind Today

Group Chat Woes… REALLY

See the source imageI didn’t know how much I hated group chats until I got added to one particular one and I felt stuck. Yes really.

Initially I was all for the group chat (I think) because one of the primary members was a very close friend of mine. After a change in the dynamics of the group and friendships, the friend who I held onto the group for removed herself. If anyone knows if you remove yourself from a chat in whatsapp groups the whole group is alerted!!! this group is the type of group where you just know there will be follow up on why you exited the group.

 

For me it has become a weird Jail. A sabotage. I want out. nothing about this group fulfills me. What do you do in such a situation? Ignore? How when you get notification alerts all day long. Values are different, we share very little if anything at all in common. Whenever I engage the conversation it turns into conflict mainly because of differences that are clearly based on personality and value differences. I am not really friends with any of the members, I have no desire to cultivate deep connections with them, but I can’t get out- LOL I think.

See the source image

 

Its after this that I have realized how much of an introvert I am when it comes to anything involving a large group and conversation. It has shown me exactly which type of personalities absolutely repel me. if its family I can tolerate, but randoms,  Please save me! Do not add me to any group chats, tag me to any discussion forums etc. I simply don’t have the mental space.

 

I was trying to find a real explanation I felt this way and I found this interesting article:

https://dose.com/articles/theres-a-psychological-reason-why-you-hate-group-texts-so-much/

The bottom line, please don’t add me to a group text. We can communicate one on one. I totally have nothing to add to endless arguments and discussions on text platform with several humans at the same time.

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On My Mind Today

Words of a Wise Man…

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  • Once upon a time I met a man who told me that telling the truth and making someone cry, is better than telling a lie and making someone smile and happy.
  • He said to me your true friends are those who will never avoid you just because they have met new friends.
  • As he kept on speaking to me, he said If some people do not appreciate and value my presence, I should work hard to make make them value and appreciate my absence.
  • He said I must not be angry with anyone who is quiet on me because there must be a reason why they are quiet, and that I will get to know the reason later.
  • He told me it is always better to be a blessing to others at all times than to be a burden at all times.
  • He said I must learn to forgive others not because they deserve it but because I deserve the peace that comes with forgiveness.
  • I must know that everyone deserves a second chance and many more chances if they ask for forgiveness, but I must not lose my guard over their intentions.
  • I must not only talk to people in my free time, but I must free my time to talk to people.
  • I must know that the truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie will hurt for a long time.
  • I must learn to value and respect people who tell you the Truth no matter how painful the truth is.
  • I must make my decisions when I am in the right mood, not when I am angry, likewise I must not make promises when I am excited with high emotions.
  • I must know that some people are like candles that burn themselves to give light to others. I should not have regrets if I happen to be one of such candles.
  • I must learn to be a caring friend because it is a thousand times better than a careless lover.
  • I should value and protect my relationships of many years of investments because they are like a book that takes years to write but can get burnt only within few seconds.
  • He specifically said this repeatedly that If have a problem with someone, I should go tell the person and not go tell the world.
  • He said to me that I should know that nobody is too busy, it is just a matter of their priorities within a day.
  • He said to me that people can trust you when you are consistent with what you say and what you do.
  • He said with a low voice, only God can be totally trusted. Trust God 100%.
  • He then said no matter what, I must not forget those who helped and stood by me in my time of trials and during my difficult times.
  • I must always remember those who turned their backs on me in my difficult times of trials. Not for vengeance, but for the lesson of life.
  • I must be careful with those who put me into difficult times but I must never hate them. It is a lesson of life.
  • He said again I must be grateful at all times to God for this life and for living. It is a privilege and not a right.
  • As he was leaving me, he said, always remember how temporary this world is, I must always be conscious of the reality of eternity with God in heaven or with Satan in hell fire.
  • He smiled and left waving me for a long time. Who must this man be?
  • What he told me may be useful to you, if it is, then share it.

God bless you more as you meditate upon these words from the unknown man.

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On My Mind Today

The struggle of an Alien Professional in the 1st World

A couple of weeks ago I graduated in my post graduate program.. the commencement speaker gave an insightful speech on purpose. The gist of it all was “find your purpose in life”. this got me thinking hard. nothing I didn’t know already though….

As an educated Legal foreign national in the United states the general expectation is that eventually you “make it” or at least be on the path to doing so…. Well that is generally just that. Generally.

The reality is that due to just the mere fact that you are not a natural born national of whatever land you settled, the journey to reach your full potential of success is typically not smooth to say the least. This has been the case for individuals I have met who settled from Canada, to Australia, Europe to the United States. The struggle stays real. many along the way give up and accept the status quo of wherever they find themselves professionally in their middle ages.

How does this disparity exist one may ask- especially if said persons attend college, maybe even attain post college professional licensing, certifications, designations etc?

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This is how:

For myself, hailing from what was once a very thriving highly developed African country, attended the best schools both elementary and high school I Went on to pursue college degrees initially in Law then transitioned to Economics in North America. I did not hail from any form of underprivileged home, in fact, I pretty much had a great and comfortable upbringing and was on a great path to achieving success. I successfully completed all educational endeavors. Like many from my home nation, we left the country to simply attain the international educational experience. Nobody planned to settle outside and the plan was to come back and use our exposure in our home country… till the curse of the 3rd world hit of course then BOOM! You had to stay wherever you went initially. This is typically the beginning of the downhill for many foreigners. You then had to figure it out – you had no career training for said settled country, you had no exposure to intern program opportunities, and if you did, the organizations were reluctant to offer the opportunities to you because … you were foreign!

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You then are left with education and nowhere to use it. Meanwhile you had to survive. A lot of us went to college in geographical regions we had no in-depth knowledge of job market, nor demographic composition and typically you didn’t think it mattered because you were going back home- or s you thought. It is in these scenarios that a lot took drastic turns in their professional journeys. Many ventured into healthcare of sorts, others physical general labor type roles, others to whatever operational or clerical roles they landed. Why??? To pay bills and maybe raise families and just survive.

As we know though, time waits for nobody… it is as years goes by and you become surrounded by peers who maybe have the same level of education as yourself doing 10x better professionally, sometimes you’re their “assistant” or under dog. This usually is when you realize you were left behind. This is usually when professional and career frustration kicks in. It hits you – you’re not living the life you wanted or expected. You are living the life that life threw at you. It is this harsh and unsettling realization that you find many foreigners venturing into self-employment of various forms. Just to have that sense of personal achievement on your own terms.

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A friend was saying yesterday, you almost feel as though there was a ceiling to your success in that foreign country you settled because somehow you simply get left behind. sadly a lot of times it is not due to lack of desire or effort to elevate yourself. It simply is due to circumstantial setbacks that somehow just dictate your path. Try explaining that to your non college educated co-worker who is very satisfied with the low level administrative, clerical or general labor role who feels they are in the best place ever in their professional life. life happens along the way ie children, maybe health issues, maybe changeS In family dynamics and as years go by the drive, logic or even resources to chase your true purpose slowly loses its stage in your life. It happens life passed you by!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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I personally will not give up, until if nothing else I am where I can at least say I achieved some part of what I saw years ago as the life intended for me. Trust your own process no matter how slow, long or difficult it may seem.

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Experiences of life

How Do I know you??

Hi! Do I know You?

Ok, this tag has been invented by Uncertaintyweb.

I followed it from

 

https://novuslectio.wordpress.com/

She asked questions to know her followers, and I will post questions for those of you who want to answer and participate.

1. Which event do you think changed you as a person and how?

Giving birth to my child. Changed me in that I was forced to “straighten up and become serious”. I have a whole human being who I am responsible for and I cannot mess that up. I have to make better choices period. I have had to be grown. 

2. What is the first thing you notice in the person you are or may get attracted to?

An open mind

3. What is of the most value to you?

Honesty and compassion

4. Define your ideal life.

One in which I am happy. Truly>> not settling: financially, professionally and socially.  

5. Traveling back in time or going into the future, what would you choose? Any specific reason?

Future- The past is part of how I came to this instant moment, which I feel was necessary (I think) 

6. Do you believe in destiny?

Yes

7. Which is your most haunting memory?

Thought I was going to face real consequences for a bad unnecessary decision in March 2017. I really had to evaluate my life.

8. What is the worst thing you have ever done?

Spent my college Fees one semester and gave it to a man  – ABSOLUTELY DUMB!! Almost got kicked out of school smh.

9. Have you ever felt like you were in someone else’s control?

Yes

10. What do you do when you get angry?

React impulsively; get anxiety attack

11. What is your biggest fear?

Failing at my goals in life – waking up one day and realizing I didn’t live to my full potential

12. Why do you love/hate yourself? (You can answer either of them depending on how you feel about yourself)

I hate that I have repeatedly allowed men and friends at times to define who I (am)/ was in life

13. What is the meanest thing someone’s ever said to you what did you do afterwards?

You became a turnoff; you can’t achieve; that’s why you’re in that situation. In all I cried really bad and lived with it.

14. If you could change only one thing in this world what would that be?

selfishness and self absorption of humanity

15. Name one character/trait that you think everyone should have.

Compassion

16. What do you want to be remembered for?

Being a happy person

17. What kind of a person do you repel?

Arrogant people

18. What is your biggest obsession?

Fixing problems that aren’t mine. Making other people’s problems mine

19. What do you do when you feel low?

I retreat to be with myself, till I feel high again

20. Which topics do you prefer avoiding when you are engaged in a conversation? (Topics about your personal life).

Relationship goals and status; what I’m really doing with my life.

Please take part of it if you want to answering the same questions.

 

 

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